RANT and RAVE

Ok....so this isnt a list but im bored and need someone to talk to, so my computer and the blog that no one reads will have to do.

Alright fine...It'll be a list!

1. I just had the worst meeting ever. No one cares but we still all show up and do nothing for hours and hours then complain about how we never get anything done. It sucks! Today we spent a whole hour on oriental trading, just to find ideas for prizes for our purim carnival. So we're really cool....at least cooler than the finance committee meeting next door (who cant park btw...none of them made it completly in a space) When you looked through the window, they all looked like they would rather be dead...At least we had some fun in our nonproductivity (not a word)...our board advisor brought m&ms and one girl (we'll call her MM)brought fruit punch. Thats a high class snack right there, not to mention a sugar rush for the ADHD teenage boys in the room. All together a bad idea but a wonderful waste of my time.

2. My history teacher had a rant and rave class today. We do this every so often so we can all air our greivances about society and talk about the few things that we all think are going well. On todays agenda was naked men in the sauna at the gym (bad), a website like match.com except for people looking to have affairs (bad), the poor quality of this years superbowl ads (bad), the teacher in trouble at our school (BAD), whether or not our current teacher could get in trouble for visiting the KKK website almost 40 times this week on his school computer while we were studying reconstruction (funny), and the fact that its Humpday or Wednesday and the week is half over (good). These are the best days...our whole class is convinced our teacher should be a stand up comedian these discussions are so funny.

3. My sister got her report card today. All A's and B's but apparently not up to our parents "standards". I can't wait to see their reaction when they see mine. Hopefully my 98 in math will make up for the C in spanish (which I could speak almost fluently as a child). Yeah....

4. So I know only one person reads this blog and she already knows this story but I want to put it on paper (or not...because this is a blog). Recently my best friend and I became more like yizizim (hebrew for "friends with benefits"). We have known eachother forever and people have always assumed we were hooking up on the side and for years I denied it. Now its true and people assume that it always has been. My friend (we'll call him Jim) told one person and they told a group of kids who told all their friends and now the entire school knows (again) that I have no problem hooking up with people Im not in a relationship with. I dont like people enough to have a boyfriend and the girs at my school hate that Im good enough friends with all the guys that I can remain friends with the people I hook up with free of commitment. They all just assume Im a complete whore...just an easy jewish slut. On the other hand "Jim" is looking like quite the player right now. Nobody has anything but respect for him and he's actually being admired by some of the guys for finding a "strings-free girl". I hate this, and thank god so does he. he yelled at someone a few days ago for "perpetuating the double standard". I think thats why we have always been friends. hes kind of an ass at times, but deep down hes a big softie and I really enjoy his company. Enough to deem him exceptable as a hook up. Also he has stayed friends with me through this whole drama. I love him for that even though he started the whole thing. I cant beleive all of this stemmed for one broken heater, my want to be warm, enviting him to come sleep in my bed to keep me warm, us hooking-up while there, us hooking-up again(fun), and gossip. I HATE GOSSIP!!!

4. It hasnt been quiet in my house for days. Earlier my sister was crying so hard she threw up. My parents are constantly screaming and nothing is ever good enough. I have a year and a half left before I can run away from this all and go to college. I never thought I would be this excited to get away. however, I also feel bad. Im not sure Im going to be able to go far knowing my baby sister would have to stay here by herself.

That was my own little rant and rave session....so now you know, thats my life right now.

Poems About Boys...

So these are a few of my poems....ones about my dad, one about a boy I knew when I was little, on about my best friend at home and one about my former best guy friend from camp...
1. I wish you
understood
I wish
There was a reason
I could want you to
be mine
to need me
I wish
you knew that
my friendships are different
stronger than most
I wish
you would stop beleiving
what the world says
this can work
remember
when we promised to
always be there
always be friends
we can have this too
I wish
you could remeber
I wish
you understood


2. you are in my blood
in my thoughts
in my heart
but im breaking it off
weaning myself from
your drama
the pain
its strange that
taking you away
is like taking away
a drug
i needed you
but i wont anymore
i need to be free
of my addiction

3. I still tremble
Like a leaf in the wind
When you walk by
One glance and I flash back
To the heart stopping
Vein popping anger
That made your fists fly
Missing my face
By inches in your rage
Leaving dents I had to hide
Leaving scars to excuse
And fear to deny
One glance and I flash back
To the heart throbbing
Soft whimpering me
Curled in the corner
Afraid to move
Cause you may find me
One glance and I flashback
To the heart wrenching
Forehead kissing you
Reminding me
Not to tell
Reminding me
It’s not your fault
You're sick and you love me

4. Somehow, his compassion
Got stuck going around
The loop of Henle
And his soul got
Tangled amongst
The nephrons
And capillaries
The meds don’t tell
If they gave him
A whole new identity
Or if they only
Reveal who he has
Always been
And it’s hard to tell
If the pain makes him yell
Or just provides
An excuse
To show his violent side
A vital part is missing
Now that he knows
Something fishy is up
Between the renal arteries
And the vena caba
And something strangely scary
Appeared when
Medulla, cortex, and pelvis
Decided not to cooperate
Who knew two
Excretory organs could
Change so much Or hurt so many?

The Complete Contents of My Day...

1. Slept. like a whole lot....
2. Ate toast....again a whole lot.
3. Went to work (and pretended to be either British or Hispanic whenever customers wanted help). I hate my job: especially when my best friend is my manager. We got in a huge fight last night though, and luckily he called in sick so he wouldnt have to actually deal with me.
4. Went food shopping (at work)and bought only mashed potatoes and orange juice.
5. had mashed potatoes for dinner.
6. Watched a movie: 13 going on 30....its aweful
7. Drank orange juice...yummm
8. Watched What I Like About You...and the real world during commercials.
9. Went on the computer (facebook, email, cyber stalking)
10. made a list

This is the complete contents of my day...judge away.

Just pointing out for your veiwing pleasure...yes all I ate today was toast potatoes and juice (i know, not healthy), yes i had little human contact (and when I did I was pretending to be other people), yes I avoided dealing with my conflicts, yes I HAVE NO LIFE...

As I said before...judge away...i dont care

Haikus...not very good ones though

1. Broken mirrors tell
Of times not quite so peaceful—
Shards sharp as her words

2. Lonely wolf cries out
Softly towards the yellow moon—
Gone are his brothers

3. Numbers quickly blink
Each minute that passes by
What time is my time?

4. Shadows and nightmares
Dwellers of the darkest world—
Why do they come out?

5. A shelter from cold
Put me in this awkward place
With his lips on mine

Things I've wanted to say...but love my charlemagne too much to do so

1. You suck...like actually your friendship was probably the biggest waste of my time. I feel like Im addicted to the drama you cause but I need to be free. Stop calling and texting and hurting. Let me move on and have a life.
2. Suck it up...we all have issues. However most of the real world has learned to cope (unlike you). You've had it hard but so have we: stop comparing yourself to the perfect idea of life and move on.
3. Every conversation I have with you kills me a little bit inside. I loved you so much and you used every bit of that love to your own gain. I want it back, but I know what you took is gone forever.
4. You were the content of roughly 100 poems I wrote...not a single one reflects you in a good light. Looking back, I can see how miserable you made me.
5. As much as I complain about you here, on my blog, I still call you when Im upset. You have become a crutch I cant walk very far without.
6. I still love you.
7. When you say you love me too I can hear that your lying. You seem to forget that ive lied too...I know what it sounds like.
8. I still hate you.
9. When you say you never hated me I can hear you lying. I know how much trouble Ive caused you (probably just as much as you caused me).
10. As much as I want you out of my life, I'm truly afraid of losing you.

Who I Am... (far too many)

1. I am the writer of far too many lists.
2. I am a daughter of far too many parents.
3. I am the mother of far too many lost little girls.
4. I am the keeper of far too many secrets.
5. I am the object of far too much pity.
6. I am the lover of far too many tales.
7. I am the giver of far too much forgiveness.
8. I am a collector of far too many things: joy, pain, love, common colds.
9. I am the memory of far too many gone.
10. I am the dreamer of far too many sweet dreams.

Things I Wish I Was Doing...

1. Hanging out with my bestfriends: They live to far away for me to see them more than 3ish times a year.
2. Swimming: I hate the snow and love to swim. It makes me feel so free.
3. Talking to him about what happened instead of ignoring it and silently judging ourselves and each other.
4. Sleeping. I slept till 1 this morning: my sister winked at me and said I was making up for lost time, but really i feel sick whenever Im awake so sleep is like heaven.
5. Feeling good: Im tired of always feeling so sick and never having a Dr figure out whats wrong.
6. Going back away...I learn so much when Im not in school: being here feels like a waste of time. I like to learn but schools really not the place for people like me....
7. Making a difference. Lately I feel like my whole life is such a waste. I want to give something back.
8. Doing my homework. I have midyears tomorrow and tons of homework due Friday and I had a whole day off and didnt study or do any of it.
9. Eating mung. I havent been to camp in over a year and I dreamt about mung last night. Now I really want it.
10. Cleaning/Cooking. I havent had time to be domestic lately and its really bothering me...I want to be a good daughter.

How to Keep Me Around

1. Make me laugh.
2. Put up with all my weird stuff and be able to not judge me.
3. Make me feel wanted.
4. Keep me warm.
5. Eliminate your need for personal space, Im a space invader.
6. Cuddle.
7. Understand what I want.
8. Be a good listener.
9. Dont listen when I say stupid things.
10. Be a mensch.

Reasons to Hide

1. Im not sure who I am: being nobody is easier.
2. I refuse to get hurt again.
3. They broke my heart: Didn't want me, had me anyway, then threw me away.
4. The world is a scary place.
5. I cant figure out why I'm here/what everyone wants from me.
6. I'm embarrassed of myself.
7. A mask is easier to wear than the truth.
8. People don't like the real me; It scares them away.
9. I don't like the real me; It scares me away.
10. I don't really want to be found.